HOPE FOR COUPLES IN CRISIS
By James C. Dobson, Ph.D.
HOME COUNSELING DELIVERANCE TESTIMONIES LINKS CONTACT US
June 2000
Dear Friends,
Have you noticed that June is bustin' out
all over? Not only has the world turned into green buds and yellow roses,
but this is the month when our thoughts turn naturally to romantic love songs
and silver wedding bells. New families are coming off the assembly line every
day. Nothing is more inspirational than the uniting of two unique and divergent
personalities in
a marital commitment that will last for a lifetime, with God's help.
Who can comprehend this mysterious bonding
that enables a man and woman to withstand the many storms of life and remain
best friends to the end of their lives together? This phenomenon is so remarkable
that the Apostle Paul, under divine inspiration, chose it to symbolize the
unfathomable bond of love between Jesus Christ and His bride, the church.
We could spend a
month or two just thinking about the implications of that wonderful analogy.
Unfortunately, a depressing number of today's
marriages end on a less inspirational note. Indeed, Western nations are witnessing
a continuing epidemic of dysfunctional relationships. A recent study done
by sociologists at Rutgers University concluded that the institution of marriage
itself appears to be dying.1 I shudder to contemplate what life will be like
(and
how children will suffer) if the researchers prove to be right!
The agony inflicted by divorce cannot be overstated. It was this tragic situation that led me to write Love Must Be Tough, which continues to be one of my most popular books. It addresses not only marriages in distress, but concepts that will strengthen less troubled relationships. Let me focus my comments this month on the most important among them.
The standard approach to marriage counseling
is to teach husbands and wives how to revitalize unhealthy relationships and
help them work through their conflicts. Unfortunately, such advice assumes
that both parties are equally motivated to work on their problems. That is
rarely the case. Typically, when a marriage is unraveling, there is one partner
who is less concerned
about the prospect of divorce, while the other is terrified by it. At its
worse, as in cases of infidelity, the drifting member often has little desire
to engage in counseling, except perhaps as a pretense to lessen guilt or criticism.
He or she may have decided already that the relationship is
over. It has been my observation that the way the committed partner responds
at that vital juncture will determine whether the marriage will survive or
succumb. I'll explain why in a moment.
Only those who have been rejected by a beloved
spouse can fully comprehend the tidal wave of pain that crashes into one's
life when a relationship ends. Nothing else matters. There are no consoling
thoughts. The future is without interest or hope. Emotions swing wildly from
despair to acceptance and back again. Nothing in human experience can compare
with the agony of
knowing that the person to whom you pledged eternal devotion has betrayed
your trust and is now involved in sexual intimacies with a "stranger".
. . a competitor . . . a more beautiful or handsome playmate. Death itself
would be easier to tolerate than being tossed aside like an old shoe.
If one word must be selected to describe the entire experience, it would be something equivalent to panic. Just as a drowning person exhausts himself or herself in a desperate attempt to grasp anything that floats, a rejected partner typically tries to grab and hold the one who is leaving. This panic then leads to appeasement, which destroys what is left of the marriage.
Let's look for a moment at the other half of the relationship - focusing on the individual who wants out of the marriage. What secrets lie deep within the mind of the woman who has an affair with her boss, or the man who chases the office flirt? Surprising to some, the desire for sex is not the primary motivator in such situations. Something much more basic is operating below the surface.
Long before any decision is made to "fool
around" or walk out on a partner, a fundamental change has begun to occur
in the relationship. Many books on this subject lay the blame on the failure
to communicate, but I disagree. The inability to talk to one another is a
symptom of a deeper problem, but it is not the cause itself. The critical
element is the way a husband or
wife begins to devalue the other and their lives together. It is a subtle
thing at first, often occurring without either partner being aware of the
slippage. But as time passes, one individual begins to feel trapped in a relationship
with someone he or she no longer respects.
Now we begin to see why groveling, crying and pleading by a panic-stricken partner tend to drive the claustrophobic partner even farther away. The more he or she struggles to gain a measure of freedom (or even secure a little breathing room), the more desperately the rejected spouse attempts to hang on.
Perhaps it is now apparent where the present
line of reasoning is leading us. If there is hope for dying marriages, and
I certainly believe there is, then it is likely to be found in the reconstruction
of respect between warring husbands and wives. That requires the vulnerable
spouse to open the cage door and let the trapped partner out! All the techniques
of containment
must end immediately, including manipulative grief, anger, guilt and appeasement.
Begging, pleading, crying, hand-wringing and playing the role of the doormat
are equally destructive. There may be a time and place for strong feelings
to be expressed, and there may be an occasion for quiet tolerance. But these
responses must not be used as persuasive devices to
hold the drifting partner against his or her will.
To the reader who is desperately in need of
this advice, please pay close attention at this point: I'm sure you would
not have dreamed of using these coercive methods to convince your husband
or wife to marry you during your dating days. You had to lure, attract, charm
and encourage him or her. This subtle game of courtship had to take place
one delicate step at a time.
Obviously, it would not have been successful if you had wept violently and
hung on the neck of your lover saying, "I think I'll die if you don't
marry me! My entire life amounts to nothing without you. Please! Oh, please,
don't turn me down," etc.
Coercing and manipulating a potential marriage partner is like high-pressure tactics by a used car salesman. What do you think he would accomplish by telling a potential customer through his tears, "Oh, please, buy this car! I need the money so badly and I've only had two sales so far this week. If you turn me down, I think I'll go straight out and kill myself!"
This is a ridiculous analogy, of course, but
there is applicability to it. When one has fallen in love with an eligible
partner, he attempts to "sell himself" to the other. But like the
salesman, he must not deprive the buyer of free choice in the matter. Instead,
he must convince the customer that the purchase is in his own interest. If
a person would not buy an automobile
to ease the pain of a salesman, how much more unlikely is he to devote his
entire being to someone he doesn't love, simply for benevolent reasons? None
of us is that unselfish. Ideally, we are permitted by God to select only one
person in the course of a lifetime, and few are willing to squander that one
shot on someone we merely pity! In fact, it is very difficult to love
another person romantically and pity him or her at the same time.
If begging and pleading are ineffective methods
of attracting a member of the opposite sex during the dating days, why do
victims of bad marriages use the same groveling techniques to hold a drifting
spouse? They only increase the depth of disrespect by the one who is escaping.
Instead, they should convey their own version of the following message when
the time is right:
"John [or Diane], I've been through some very tough moments since you
decided to leave, as you know. My love for you is so profound that I just
couldn't face the possibility of life without you. To a person like me, who
expected to marry only once and to remain committed for life, it is a severe
shock to see our relationship begin to unravel. Nevertheless, I have done
some intense soul-searching, and I now realize that I have been attempting
to hold you against your will. That simply can't be done. As I reflect on
our courtship and early years together, I'm reminded that you married me of
your own free choice. I did not blackmail you or twist your arm or offer you
a bribe. It was a decision you made without pressure from me. Now you say
you want out of the marriage, and obviously, I have to let you go. I'm aware
that I can no more force you to stay today than I could have made you marry
me in 1989 [or whenever]. You are free to go. If you never call me again,
then I will accept your decision. I admit that this entire experience has
been painful, but I'm going to make it. The Lord has been with me thus far
and He'll go with me in the future. You and I had some wonderful times together,
John. You were my first real love and I'll never forget the memories that
we shared. I will pray for you and trust that God will guide you in the years
ahead."
Slowly, unbelievably, the trapped spouse witnesses
the cage door vibrate just a bit, and then start to rise. He can't believe
it. This person to whom he has felt bound hand and foot for years has now
set him free! It isn't necessary to fight off her advances - her grasping
hands - any more."But there must be a catch," he thinks. "It's
too good to be true. Talk is
cheap. This is just another trick to win me back. In a week or two she'll
be crying on the phone again, begging me to come home. She's really weak,
you know, and she'll crack under pressure."
It is my strongest recommendation that you,
the rejected person, prove your partner wrong in this expectation. Let him
marvel at your self-control in coming weeks. Only the passage of time will
convince him that you are serious - that he is actually free. He may even
test you during this period by expressions of great hostility or insult, or
by flirtation with others.
But one thing is certain: He will be watching for signs of weakness or strength.
The vestiges of respect hang in the balance.
If the more vulnerable spouse passes the initial
test and convinces the partner that his freedom is secure, some interesting
changes begin to occur in their relationship. Please understand that every
situation is unique and I am merely describing typical reactions, but these
developments are extremely common in families I have seen. Most of the exceptions
represent variations on the same theme. Three distinct consequences can be
anticipated when a previously "grabby" lover begins to let go of
the cool spouse: The trapped partner no longer feels it necessary to fight
off the other, and their relationship improves. It is not that the love affair
is rekindled,
necessarily, but the strain between the two partners is often eased.
As the cool spouse begins to feel free again, the question he has been asking himself changes. After wondering for weeks or months, "How can I get out of this mess?" he now asks, "Do I really want to go?" Just knowing that he can have his way often makes him less anxious to achieve it. Sometimes it turns him around 180 degrees and brings him back home!
The third change occurs not in the mind of
the cool spouse but in the mind of the vulnerable one. Incredibly, he or she
feels better - somehow more in control of the situation. There is no greater
agony than journeying through a vale of tears, waiting in vain for the phone
to ring or for a miracle to occur. Instead, the person has begun to respect
himself or herself and to
receive small evidences of respect in return. Even though it is difficult
to let go once and for all, there are ample rewards for doing so. One of those
advantages involves the feeling that he or she has a plan - a program - a
definite course of action to follow. That is infinitely more comfortable than
experiencing the utter despair of powerlessness that the victim felt
before. And little by little, the healing process begins.
This recommendation is consistent with the
Apostle Paul's writings in 1 Corinthians 7:15: "But if the unbeliever
leaves, let him do so. A believing man or woman is not bound in such circumstances.
God has called us to live in peace" (NIV). Paul is not authorizing the
rejected spouse to initiate a divorce in these instances. He is, rather, instructing
a man or woman to
release the marital partner when he or she is determined to depart. The advice
I have offered today is an expression of that scripture.
Well, that represents my attempt to summarize
a basic theme of Love Must Be Tough, which is 212 pages in length. I hope
it will be helpful to those who have been struggling to keep a troubled marriage
alive. In a broader sense, the principles I have described are not only relevant
to husbands and wives in a time of crisis; they are applicable to healthier
marriages, too. Indeed, I wish they could be taught to every engaged or newlywed
couple in
the morning of their lives together. There would be fewer bitter divorces
if young husbands and wives knew how to draw their drifting partners toward
them, rather than relentlessly driving them away. Respect, you see, is not
only vital to rebuilding broken marriages, but to preserving healthy relationships
day by day.
Now isn't that just like an author to promise
the moon to his readers? All writers have this tendency to overestimate the
significance of their views. Books being published today offer everything
from 30 more years of life for men or ageless skin for women. Unfortunately,
these authors rarely deliver on their promises; they remind me of "Professor
Miraculous" in the Old West who sold his Elixir of Life from the back
of his covered wagon and then left
town ... fast.
Hoping not to fall into the same "cure-all"
trap, let me tell you candidly how I feel about the various concepts described
in Love Must Be Tough - only one of which is addressed in this letter. Genuine
insights into human behavior are not everyday occurrences - at least not for
me. Indeed, if one stumbles onto two or three fundamental principles in the
course of a lifetime, he or she has done well. The concepts I expressed in
this book focus on one of my allotted few. Do they always preserve dysfunctional
marriages? Of course not. No one can make that promise. But even in cases
where the spark of love has died, the principle of self-respect in the face
of rejection holds true. The alternative is usually despair.
Though I haven't emphasized the role of prayer
in the preservation of a troubled family, I'm sure you know that it is the
key to everything. The institution of marriage was God's design, and He has
promised to answer those who ask for His healing touch. Still, it helps to
understand your spouse as you seek to restore what God has "joined together".
If you would
like to read a more detailed presentation of these issues, you can request
Love Must Be Tough from Focus on the Family. I have waived all royalty on
copies distributed through the ministry, as always, so your request will help
us make it financially through the summer months. We could sure use the assistance.
Either way, thanks for reading along with me this month.
Have a great summer. I'll drop you another line in July.
Sincerely in Christ,
James C. Dobson, Ph.D.
President
David Popenoe and Barbara Dafoe Whitehead,
"The State of Our Unions: The
Social Health of Marriage in America," The National Marriage Project,
Rutgers University, 1999.
Go deeper on issues of Dating & Engagement in our hot topics collection.
And the Bride Wore White: Seven Secrets to Sexual Purity
The path of sexual purity is not a smoothly
paved, easy road to travel. But
it's worth it when you're equipped to handle it!
Related Resources
. Love For a Lifetime
. Finding the Love of Your Life